Bluurrgghh

I'm discovering for the first time what it's like to have a sick toddler whilst home educating three older children.

Gosh it's so much fun. I get to sit there all day, smothered in child and coated in snot, whilst barking orders at the big three who reluctantly comply some of the time, and for the rest they get more and more annoyed and snipe at each other. Joy.

To add to all that last night I came down with a bug too and am reluctant to eat much in case it bounces. I did manage a plate of rice and fish just now, feeling a bit better now it was as if it was the only food I'd seen for weeks.

I'm really fed up emotionally. My best friend T has been, shall we say, a bit preoccupied. Having a husband snap his spinal cord and have to go off to hospital in Middlesbrough, an hour away, for three months has kept her a bit on the busy side. Especially since she has two teenagers, an autistic six year old and is pregnant. I haven't allowed myself to miss her, it's been such a crisis situation, we've all rallied round doing what we can. Until this week - now he's back from hossie it has hit me that this is for life, things are never going to be the same again, my best friend is now a carer full time. No more Starbucks, cups of tea at my house lasting all morning, endless emails - she's not going to have time for a very long time at least, possibly ever. I've felt desperately sorry for her for three months, this week for the first time I suddenly and selfishly feel sorry for me too.

I don't suppose I've turned into a horrible selfish monster, I'd still do anything she needed me to, and I guess it's normal to miss someone you care about - she'd probably prefer to be missed than have me race around having a fantastic time with loads of new friends, that would be a tad shallow. I will need to develop other friendships eventually (of which I have plenty especially my other best friend B and new friend M-round-the-corner) I am very blessed in the friendship department and I know it and am grateful, and I wouldn't be helping anyone by sitting around moping for the next few years. B in particular has been very good at giving me the space I need to be there for T, then being there when I come back, and M-round-the-corner has been there through all of this. However I can't replace T and wouldn't want to. There's going to be a hole there, filled every now and then by anything practical I can do to help her out. And no matter how long it is, there will always be room in my life if she ever does have time to drink tea.

Unfortunately I have a really busy weekend approaching, most of which I'd struggle to cancel. Hey ho I'm not indispensable, if I'm still feeling like this, and more importantly if Rosie is still burning up with a fever, the world will have to go *£$%$ itself.