Yesterday wasn't good. Someone poked my huge issues of not having a job. Now, all I ever wanted to do, I mean 'really' wanted to do, was have children. I am very, very happy with my decision to stay at home with them, I fulfil my intellectual side to some extent with my breastfeeding counselling and I get out and meet lots of adults - not that I need to do that in order to meet adults I hasten to add, I get out and about with the kids too!
I should be happy with my lot. I am happy with my lot. But (there's always a 'but'!), I was brought up in a PhD ridden family, I was in the top three or four of the top stream of the best comprehensive school in my borough, I could read fluently before I was three (I'd NEVER do that to my kids - three year olds should be making mud pies or being read to, not reading!!), do simple equations at age six eg 3x+2=2x+6 (not out of choice I hated working at home!), and generally there was an expectation that I'd follow the rest of the family. Until I got to about 16 and the government took the student grant away, so my parents realised they'd have to pay for it. Then I was told, basically, 'We don't care what you do as long as it's at a local Uni so you don't have to go away'. I didn't get into Durham, I didn't like the course at Newcastle, I wanted to go to St Andrew's to study Divinity and I had an offer but not only was it away it was also an extra year long. So I went to Sunderland, took a course that didn't quite fit me, and never got into it.
I met Dad, got married at the end of my second year and was 30 weeks pregnant with Martha by the time I graduated. I've been at home raising kids ever since. This makes me very happy. If I'd gone to St Andrew's then even if our relationship had worked out long distance right at the beginning, I'd've had different kids. If I decide to have a career I'm still only thirty, there's still time, and I might find something I actually want to do rather than just making something up because it's time to go to Uni, as happened first time round. Or I might decide not to bother, do smaller jobs around home and the kids, which is just as valid a choice.
But last week I had to listen to someone rambling on about their wonderful PhD standard kids, and it brought it all back, stuff like my Grandad's disappointment at my 2:1 degree result ('What's a 2:1'?). I have no doubt at all that God has planned my life and I'm right where I'm meant to be. I still have no idea of which job I would really like to do if I could choose anything. I always wanted four kids and I had them all before I was thirty, and I have a great husband who supports us so I can stay at home but who wouldn't mind if I wanted to work. So why the dissatisfaction? Purely because of 'issues' from childhood - and it's time, with God's help, to get over it and move on.
3 comments:
You've got a job. You are a nanny, cook, taxi driver, tutor, cleaner, house manager, accountant, and many other things. Being a stay-at-home Mum should have a higher status in our society than it does. It is an important job.
Until recently, I was mostly a full-time Mum. I loved staying at home with my kids, but I also wanted a little more for my sanity. I found a job that I think is great - a tutor with the Open University. It is mostly distance learning, so I can work at home in my own time, and it is only a few hours a week.
Due to circumstances recently though (becoming a single Mum), I have had to go out to work 2 days a week. I'm enjoying the work, but not being away from the kids. And all the housework just piles up!
Suzanne
This makes my blood boil. And I wish, oh I wish, that you wouldn't get upset about what thoughtless people say. But then, you wouldn't be the you that you are, and who I love very much. So I try to take some of that hurt away from you by offering this - were you happy with your lot before you heard what they said? Is what they said speaking to your heart because you're not happy with where you are? Or is what they said bugging you because you want to be able to sit them down and explain how wrong they are about what makes someone 'successful'? I wish you peace in your head and heart.
Thanks Suze, that makes me feel better, quite a cv there! Glad you're enjoying your work, I think 2 days must be a nice balance, and housework gets done eventually. I'd imagine it'll get easier as your kids get older so can do more.
Steph, thanks for your anger on my behalf, that means a lot mate. Sometimes I wish I was doing more, but mostly I'm so busy and tired I know now isn't the time, but possibly one day, When it's right I'll know, if it ever is :-)
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