I went to see my grandad today. He lives near Dewsbury ish, West Yorkshire, so 2 hours from here, in a village that bizarrely for that part of the world is completely populated by white people except for a couple of African doctors and the Asian couple who own the general store. Weird.
Anyhoo, I went, I came home again and I survived. I was there 5 and a half hours in total, including going out for lunch. I've found that as time goes on I've naturally stopped thinking about what he did to me when I was little .... some of the time. Neither does he make my skin crawl anymore, most of the time. He's kind of ancient, 89 or so I think. I've come a long way that I can do this and feel reasonably sane.
The only other relative I have that speaks to me, my dad's sister, lives round the corner from him, but made her excuses and went out for the day instead of seeing me, something to do with an anniversary, maybe genuine. She's very uncomfortable with me indeed, I'm the family troublemaker since I told my cousins about my grandad because they have kids he sees regularly. I like my dad's sister and I feel very, very sorry for her when she occasionally does see me and there's that awful look in her eyes, she keeps zoning out inbetween this huge cheery act, it's awful. So probably better we didn't go through the whole rigmarole today, though a shame things can't be different, she's nice.
So, box ticked for another few months, Grandad 'kept in touch with'. Why bother? No idea really. It just feels better than not somehow, as long as I keep him within careful boundaries. And boy do I do that, not that he seems all that threatening these days.
I'm the one who's going to have to live on after he's gone, somehow forgiving and moving forward (in a sensible fashion - not condoning his behaviour there's a huge difference) feels better. My parents won't speak to me at all, if they popped their clogs tomorrow I'd be left with huge issues (somewhat unfairly when I've tried to get back in touch, but that's the way it is).
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
you must have almost driven to us to get there, we live just along the M62, well, for one more night ;)
Sounds like your family situation even more difficult and painful than mine, I wish you continued strength in dealing with it, and in that strength, peace.
Sending you lots of big hugs.
Every blessing.
Jo
Good luck with your move Jax.
jo, thanks for the support.
Hazel xx
Post a Comment