And more.....

... apparently my grandma has advanced alzheimer's disease. But I already knew that.



Poor old dad has been sitting on it since we went to his mum's at christmas because bizarrely my abusive grandad and innocent mother in law like each other and keep in touch. She doesn't know about my family situation really or anything about him, but she knows I don't see my grandparents so she pulled dad to one side and told him.



But I already knew. She had the beginnings of it in 2004, she's 86, it doesn't take a genius to work out that she'd be past recognising me now. I suppose dad wasn't to know how often I still think of them all and track what must be going on in my mind. We weren't particularly close but I did/do love her - I'm sorry it has come to this for her, horrible way to go. I'm really really glad she doesn't know what her husband did to me as a girl (and probably other young girls) that would destroy anybody, now she'll never have to know. She might be a christian, many years ago when I was at their house I was rooting about through a bookcase and found something in a bible in her handwriting, can't remember exactly what it said but something about 'Jesus be in my heart, in my thoughts, in my life'. So perhaps I'll see her again in heaven.



I'm also sorry dad has been sitting on this for so long when I knew anyway, he's even spoken to the pastor apparently he was so worried about telling me. And Valerie too, maybe I'll drop her a line, she was kind enough to send me an article she thought I might be interested in the other day as well.



Our pastor is a really cool guy, he knows his stuff when it comes to counselling. I got through my bad year in 2004 when all my family stuff came to light partly by him coming to see me and listening and talking me through it. He enables people to follow Jesus and not be sinful but also not to become doormats, eg we talked about 'honouring thy father and mother'. What does that mean? Allowing them to abuse me? Begging them to see me when they don't want to? Or behaving with dignity, working through stuff in order to forgive them by letting go of anger and hate, protecting my children and their mother from anguish caused by their bad behaviour but 'honouring from a distance'?